Rethink networking by building relationships

Networking. For many, this word conjures up images of crowded rooms, fake smiles, and the ritual of swapping business cards. It feels transactional—an exchange of information rather than a genuine interaction. Look up the word in any dictionary, and networking is, indeed, defined as transactional; for most, that’s exactly how it feels. For introverts and those new to the workforce, the thought of traditional networking can seem daunting, even intimidating. Imagine standing in a room full of unfamiliar faces, each interaction a forced conversation meant to “get your name out there.” And then there’s LinkedIn networking, which too often feels insincere—a quick connection followed almost immediately by a sales pitch or, worse, getting “ghosted.”

But what if we stopped viewing networking as a numbers game? What if, instead, we began seeing it as the art of building meaningful relationships? Think of how you formed friendships or maintained close relationships in your personal life—these bonds likely didn’t form overnight or over a quick exchange. Instead, they developed through shared experiences, trust, and mutual support over time. Why shouldn’t networking work the same way? True connection isn’t about quick exchanges or adding contacts to your list; it’s about reciprocity, trust, and support that endures.

Susan McPherson, founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies and author of The Lost Art of Connecting, has dedicated her career to redefining networking in this way. She proposes an alternative approach—one grounded in authenticity and genuine relationship-building—through her Gather-Ask-Do framework. This framework provides a structure for developing deeper, more meaningful connections that go beyond superficial exchanges. For young professionals and mid-career individuals alike, adopting this mindset shift opens doors to mentorship, collaboration, and opportunities that reach far beyond the first introduction.

In this article, we’ll explore McPherson’s framework, along with practical steps for cultivating connections rooted in authenticity, curiosity, and lasting value.

Key Takeaways

• Active listening fosters empathy and trust, laying the groundwork for meaningful connections.

• Prioritizing others' needs creates value for both parties, enhancing relationship quality.

• The Gather-Ask-Do framework offers a structured approach to forming deeper, authentic relationships.

• Begin with small, genuine interactions and stay curious to naturally grow your network.

• Effective asking means making requests respectfully and offering context, ensuring that help strengthens rather than strains relationships.

Before diving into frameworks, it’s essential to focus on fundamental skills that enable meaningful communication. One of the most underrated skills in networking—yet arguably the most valuable—is active listening.

Active listening goes beyond simply hearing words; it requires complete immersion in the conversation and understanding the perspective of the person in front of you. This means taking mental notes of their interests, values, and ideas, and showing genuine appreciation for their insights. McPherson emphasizes that active listening is the cornerstone of empathy in any relationship. By listening without immediately formulating a response, you convey respect and sincere interest, which makes people feel valued and understood.

Empathy and active listening also allow you to approach each connection from their perspective rather than your own. For example, if someone shares a professional challenge, ask how you might support them or connect them with helpful resources. Listening with an intent to understand and assist reinforces the authenticity of your relationship and lays the foundation for mutual respect and understanding. Once you establish empathy and engagement as cornerstones, the next step is to shift the focus to others’ needs.

Listen actively to understand and build trust.

In their book, The Go-Giver, Bob Burg and John David Mann introduce the “law of value,” which states that “your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.” This concept emphasizes the importance of leading with a desire to support others rather than focusing on immediate gains. When you prioritize how you can be of help, you create an environment where others feel truly valued. Asking thoughtful questions about others’ challenges and aspirations opens up the potential for deeper, more meaningful conversations that go beyond small talk. Consider it as an investment principle—short-term support often yields long-term relationships. Simply offering support can foster more valuable relationships. While this isn’t about a cynical “transactional” view, it can help readers appreciate that a long-term approach to value creation fosters genuine trust and reciprocity.

Another way to build relationships is by creating “safe spaces” for connection, a principle often practiced in group settings. Safe spaces allow people to be their authentic selves, fostering openness and engagement. Simple gestures, like meaningful icebreakers or thoughtful questions at the start of a meeting, create a foundation where everyone feels comfortable sharing beyond their formal roles. A former client of mine, the head of compliance in his organisation, would always spend the first 10-15 minutes of whatever meeting he’s heading—whether with his team, senior management, or external stakeholders—chit-chatting with every participant. He did this to not only create a friendly atmosphere but to also grab everyone’s attention, helping them feel appreciated for being part of the meeting. By the time the agenda begins, everyone is fully engaged and proactively involved, leading to efficient, productive discussions that rarely exceed an hour. Over time, safe spaces like these cultivate trust and loyalty, paving the way for deeper and more productive relationships. When people feel secure enough to contribute authentically, the quality of the connection strengthens.

Prioritize others’ needs to cultivate value for them.

Every individual you meet holds unique value, even if it’s not immediately obvious. Building meaningful connections increases the likelihood of discovering unexpected opportunities from interactions that might initially seem unrelated. Often, it’s these unplanned connections that lead to some of the most valuable relationships in our personal and professional lives. My first mentor, whom I met at a recruitment event I never joined, still shares career insights with me two years later over lunch. My first client came through a family friend I met only once during a trip to the U.S.; a year later, halfway across the world, she reached out with an opportunity. Similarly, distant connections can yield unexpected opportunities—my first job came through a friend of a friend. Unexpected connections often open doors with people and places you might not expect. Viewing networking as an ongoing journey, not a one-time task, shifts your approach to relationship-building.

Leverage unexpected connections for growth and opportunity.

From transactional networking to meaningful connection-building, many may wonder how to put this approach into practice. Susan McPherson designed the Gather-Ask-Do framework to guide people toward developing deeper, more authentic connections. Each step transcends the usual superficial interactions associated with traditional networking.

Gather

Before reaching out to others, start with self-reflection. This gather phase is about understanding who you are and what you bring to the table. According to McPherson, this initial step involves a deep self-assessment of your values, skills, and goals. Think about questions like: Who am I? What do I value? How can my skills and experiences contribute meaningfully to others? By identifying what you stand for and what you can offer, you lay the groundwork for connections that resonate on a personal level.

This introspection is particularly valuable for younger professionals who might feel inexperienced or unsure of their worth. Even if you lack years of industry experience, consider the unique perspectives, knowledge, or energy you can share. For example, recent graduates often bring insights on emerging trends, digital tools, or social media. McPherson’s framework suggests that the value you bring isn’t limited to experience alone; it’s about identifying areas where you can offer support, even if it’s enthusiasm, a fresh outlook, or being a good listener. Remember, everyone has value, regardless of their age, experience, or job.

Ask

Once you have a clear understanding of your own values and skills, shift your attention to learning about others. The ask phase centres around engaging in genuine conversations, uncovering what others aspire to achieve, and understanding the challenges they face. Rather than asking surface-level questions like, “What do you do?”, try questions that dig deeper and encourage them to share their passions and difficulties. Some questions to consider include:

• “What excites you about your current role?”

• “What inspired you to pursue this career path?”

• “What challenges in your field are you most passionate about solving?”

Questions like these open the door to more substantial conversations, steering away from small talk. McPherson emphasizes that truly understanding another person’s needs and aspirations is essential. When you show curiosity and empathy, you create an opportunity to provide value or support, forming the basis of a trust-based connection.

Do

The do phase is all about follow-through. After building rapport through meaningful conversations, take action to show that your words are more than just talk. Networking often falls short in this phase, as it’s easy to make promises in the moment but much harder to keep them afterward.

There are several common “promises” people make during networking, such as, “I’ll send you that article,” or “Let’s grab coffee sometime.” Unfortunately, these commitments are frequently forgotten, leaving the other person feeling undervalued. To avoid this, consider using calendar reminders or even a physical notebook to jot down follow-up actions. Keeping track of these small tasks not only helps you remember but also strengthens relationships through consistent interactions.

Taking the time to fulfil even small commitments—whether it’s sharing a relevant article, introducing a new contact, or simply checking in—speaks volumes about your character and reliability. Each action, no matter how small, demonstrates that your connection is more than just words.

Use the Gather-Ask-Do framework to forge deeper connections.

Building connections can feel overwhelming, especially for those unfamiliar with networking. Many people struggle to even begin, whether due to a lack of opportunities or the confidence to put themselves out there. Here’s a three-step approach designed to help you take that first step into networking in a simple, authentic way.

Start small and be authentic: Begin by focusing on quality rather than quantity. Start with familiar faces in your immediate circles—colleagues, classmates, family friends, or friends of friends. Initiating connections with people you know helps you build confidence and sets the tone for a more genuine approach. Authenticity is key; let conversations unfold naturally without feeling pressured to gain something immediately.

If you’re short on networking events or professional gatherings, consider online platforms that offer accessible alternatives. LinkedIn, while not perfect, can serve as a starting point, as can school alumni networks and industry-specific online communities. The goal is to establish connections within environments where you’re more comfortable to interact more freely and genuinely.

Be curious, not transactional: When engaging with new people, let curiosity drive your interactions. Move beyond basic questions and ask about their career aspirations, journeys, or what parts of their work bring them the most excitement. You might also explore what keeps them busy outside of work—such as hobbies, passion projects, or personal interests. Taking this approach helps you better understand them and sets the tone for forming more genuine bonds.

Avoid approaching connections with a transactional mindset, where each interaction is viewed as a way to gain something tangible, like a job lead or a potential client. Imagine meeting up with an old friend for lunch and, mid-meal, they pull out a tablet and start pitching an insurance plan or investment scheme. Most people would feel uncomfortable or even taken aback. Don’t be that person with new connections. Instead, approach each conversation with an open mind, looking to learn and engage rather than “sell” yourself or your services.

Follow up and stay connected: After the first meeting, follow up with a simple, thoughtful gesture—perhaps a message thanking them for the conversation or sharing that you enjoyed their company. Staying in touch over time, even with small efforts, maintains the relationship’s value and helps it grow naturally.

Examples include sharing a relevant article or news piece, mentioning an event they might be interested in, or sending a quick check-in message if you know they’ve reached a milestone or completed a significant project. These small, consistent actions demonstrate that you value the relationship and are genuinely interested in staying connected. Regular follow-ups keep connections fresh and lay the groundwork for future opportunities.

Begin your network journey by starting small and staying curious.

Once you’ve established a meaningful connection, you may find yourself in a position where you’d like to ask for help, whether it’s advice, a job referral, or an introduction. Asking for help can feel nerve-wracking—and for good reason. While a thoughtful approach can strengthen the relationship, rushing into an ask could risk the rapport you’ve built. Here’s a guide to making your request both respectful and effective, using four key principles:

1. Time it right.
   If you’ve only just reconnected or recently met, spend some time building rapport before making an ask. However, if it feels natural and you’ve developed mutual trust quickly, it’s okay to proceed. Think of it as you would in person—if you’d feel comfortable asking for help in the “real world,” it’s likely a good time to reach out.

2. Give a “Because”.
   Adding context to your request helps the other person understand why you’re reaching out. People are more inclined to respond positively when they know the reason behind your ask. For example, if you’re requesting an introduction, you might say, “I’d love to connect with someone on your project management team because I’m exploring a similar career path and would value learning from their experience.”

3. Leave an out.
   It’s important to give your connection room to decline without feeling pressured. Leaving an out shows respect for their time and acknowledges that they may have factors at play you’re not aware of. A simple line like, “If this isn’t possible right now, no worries at all,” or “If you’re not comfortable making the introduction, I completely understand,” allows them to opt out gracefully if needed.

4. Express gratitude.
   In my opinion, this is the most important step. Expressing gratitude can make or break the relationship moving forward. Always let them know you appreciate their time and consideration, regardless of the outcome. Acknowledging the effort they took to read your message and think about your request goes a long way. If they’re able to help, a follow-up thank-you note can reinforce your appreciation and further strengthen your connection.

When you bring these elements together, your request might look something like this:

So, you’ve built the relationship—How do you ask for help?

“

Hi [name],

It’s been great reconnecting and hearing about your work on [project or shared interest]. I was wondering if you’d feel comfortable introducing me to [contact’s name] on your team. I’m exploring a similar role and would really value hearing about their experience firsthand. And if this isn’t possible right now, no problem at all—I appreciate you considering it.

Thanks so much for your time and any help you can provide!

”

Rethinking networking as a journey of building meaningful connections allows individuals to see their network not as a collection of contacts but as a support system. As you gather, ask, and do, remember that effective networking isn’t about accumulating numbers; it’s about building lasting, authentic relationships that grow over time. Embrace the value of every connection, knowing that each has the potential to grow into a unique opportunity or friendship.

Networking is a Journey.

Looking to expand your network, solve business challenges, or form strategic partnerships? Learn how we can connect you with the right people and solutions.

A special thanks to Susan McPherson for her contributions to this article. For deeper insights into building meaningful relationships, explore her book, The Lost Art of Connecting.

Acknowledgments

Satish Kumaresan is a principal consultant with SK&C and Susan McPherson is the founder and CEO of McPherson Strategies.

Authors